Listening

You’re a human who’s got senses fiveBut how much of sense from these do you strive? Contemplate about the earsHow much do you hear? Yes you do – but there’s still a difference‘Coz even if you hear, how much do you listen? You speak a lot, repeat things you already knowYou remain in the same […]

Listening

The Halo Of My Soul

“..when it comes to talking about our souls, yours has a halo that can’t be ignored.”, she said to me.

December 2014, Bangalore
I called dibs on the better room in the flat where I was going to move in. I was supposed to share a bathroom with a stranger, for what I thought would be a really long time. I was concerned about it but I also knew that I can adjust. I just wanted a happy place so I could move out of my PG.

Feb 2018, Bangalore
Little did I know that I will find my happy place in form of a person. I didn’t know I would end up loving this stranger so much that we would always be in each other’s rooms. That 15 months of living together would seem like such a short time. I didn’t know I was capable of coexisting with someone without sacrificing it all, without being frustrated. I didn’t know that she would be my go to person, my therapist, my knowledge bank, my closest friend and the list is never ending.

My go to person
I moved out of that beautiful flat which had become our home after a year. 2 years and a couple of personal disasters later, I felt like I don’t have a place in this world. That’s when she took me in. She had a place in her new home for me, she always had a place in her life for me.

My knowledge bank
I learn so much from her everytime we speak. On most days, she tells me about things she read in a book, be it about artificial intelligence or the bond between plants and humans. On days of self doubt I learn that I am amazing, beautiful and a strong person.

My Therapist
I always had issues with trying to look good. I had a mental block because all my life I had heard that I need to do make up or dress up or wear earings because girls do it, because I’m dark and by trying hard, I’ll be able to impress some boy or his family I’ll get married into. I did not want to be one of those girls and I did not want to impress anyone. So I did the exact opposite, neglected my body, didn’t take care of myself, my skin, my looks and the way I carry myself.
Then I saw her, being in love with herself. She did all those things because it made her happy. She pressurized me into dressing up and wearing earings. But what she also did subtly at a subconscious level was to make me realize that I can take care of myself, for myself. Instead of trying so hard to not impress others, just try a little bit to make your own life better. And suddenly one day my life was not all about protesting against something, my life was about me.

Halo of my soul
In short, she sees this halo so clearly, because she’s it. She makes me feel special on days when I feel irrelevant in this world and on days when I’m already feeling special. She is able.to do that because her soul is special. She’s the constant in my life, she’s a keeper.

Love you woman 💝

Colorism, Not Cool!

I grew up in a joint family, and we did not believe in the concept of cousins. And just like a regular joint family, we all loved each other as much as we hated each other.

If someone entered our house when all 4 of us were at home, they would always see 3 of the sisters grouping up against the 4th one, making fun of her casually, just for laughs! There was no fixed target, it was just about the situation. I am the youngest and darkest amongst my sisters and both these things were always the subject of laughter whenever I was on their radar. Sometimes they said I was adopted, sometimes they cooked up stories about how I got exchanged in the hospital with another kid, or that when my mom saw how dark I was, she threw me in the dustbin and my aunt felt pity and picked me up from there. Funny, isn’t it? No!

They always made up different stories, so I knew my sisters were lying. But the basis of all these stories was my skin color.
Meanwhile, my mom tried a hundred home remedies for making me a shade lighter.. Nivea soap, fair and lovely, milk-bread bath and what not! It never occurred to me that I should ask her why does she want me to look different than what I am! Afterall, mothers are sent straight from heaven.. they know it all.. they only think of making your life better and whatever they do is the best for you. Isn’t it? Not necessarily.

I know she loves me, I know she wants the best for me.. but it doesn’t necessarily mean that what she does turns out for the best. She’s only human! She too grew up in a similar atmosphere, she too was conditioned that way!

As a young girl I used to feel that my own mother isn’t ready to accept me the way I am. How could I have learnt to love myself then? My skin color made me feel insecure for years.. oh wait, it’s not the fault of my skin color.. it was these subtle jokes and home remedies that made me feel that way! Trust me, to think you are a failure because of your skin color, something that you can’t work hard on to improve, something that’s natural.. you end up feeling so helpless, so alone.. like a loser!
It took me years to realize that I’m beautiful.. those years, the dozen boys who were attracted to me and were kind enough to let me know, my closest friends and my relationships! I love myself now and I’m extremely comfortable in my skin, thanks to all the people who loved me the way I am.

My sisters have stopped kidding about it and my mom never asks me to do these home remedies now, because they know I love myself. But I still haven’t told them that it’s not ok to joke about someone’s appearance and it’s not ok to try to change someone’s appearance! I know they never meant it to affect me the way it did and if I confront them, they’ll probably not be able to live with the guilt of making me suffer. If I don’t, my young nieces might suffer with low self esteem issues like I did.

I’m sure I’ll tell them some day, but till then I just want to tell you that it’s not ok, it’s not funny, it’s not casual and it’s definitely not cool. To make fun of someone’s appearance is mean and horrible, even if you genuinely love that person. Don’t encourage such behavior, because you’ll never know what your target goes through and for how many years. I was lucky to recover but not everyone has the same kind of luck.

Also, you are beautiful, and it only gets better when you love yourself. Don’t believe anyone who tells you otherwise!

I’ll be me, despite of you!

I want to be able to play football, without my guy friends telling me to not play as it is a contact sport and other boys might not care about me being a girl!

I want to be able to walk on a deserted street in the middle of the night, without constantly planning how to fight back or probably run away if a man or a group of men try to molest or rape me!

I want to be able to date someone, without having to hide it or take approval from my parents or some political party or the mumbai police!

I want to be able to work late nights with my male colleagues, without being linked with them in an inappropriate manner, because I too need a healthy raise and a promotion, because I run my life or even my family’s!

I want to be able to choose when to marry someone, without the constant reminders from you about my biological time bomb.

I want to be able to even choose not to marry, ever, without a cause or may be because my kids will get their father’s name or may be even I will, at the expense of my career, my body and my future! 
I want to be able to wear what looks great on me, without having to spend money on pepper spray, because that dress is so expensive and so are the shoes and the accessories that go with it!

I want to be able to quit drinking and smoking up, without you telling me girls shouldn’t, may be because it’s not healthy for me; specially not because of the fear of being taken advantage of!

I want to be able to sit in a crowded bus by reaching for the seat first and not in the female specific seats, without having to squeeze in to as little space as I can because of your unwanted touch!

I want to be able to help my mom with the household chores, not because I am a girl, but because I see her helping my dad with the same!

I also want you to treat me as a human, and hence worry about me in a healthy way if you want to.. but not in a way that slows me down or locks me up in the chains of chauvinism or feminism! 

I want to be able to be me without your sympathy or your permission.. because my life is mine to live and not yours.. so I’ll not say let me be! No, I’ll be me despite of you. I think it’s time for humanism!

Towards A Healthy Lifestyle!

Tomorrow disappointed me, like how I disappointed my health..

Satisfaction was finally on its way, when i took a deep breath

Worked out today! Exhausted, I found my share of wealth!